2023 Instagram Wrapped

2023 has been a year of resilience. Twelve long months of transitions, struggle, grief, and goodbyes. This has been a hard post to write, because this year ended with me living out my dream of moving to Spain. I rang in the new year in Madrid, surrounded by new friends and their families, eating grapes, drinking rum, and playing cards. When I hit “apply” on my application for this program, these were the moments I was craving. I can’t express the gratitude I have for the life I live here. And yet reflecting on the past 365 days makes my stomach turn. Not only because of the challenges I was faced with, but because of how isolating struggle tends to be. Watching everyone's yearly recaps on Tiktok and Instagram felt like a recap for myself. Me, on my phone, wondering if everyone's lives are really that blissfully easy. 

Scrolling through my own Instagram, I recognize that I’m just as guilty as the next person for glamorizing my life. Ironically, I swore before moving here that I wouldn’t be someone to romanticize the abroad experience. Because living abroad is hard. It’s sprinkled with never ending inconveniences, opening a bank account, endless paperwork, and doctors appointments in which the doctor doesn’t speak English. Some days I wake up and am overwhelmed with how lucky I feel to be here. Other days, I want to pound my head against the wall for all the unnecessary difficulties I’ve created in moving across the world. I want to unpack this year. All the peaks and valleys that got me to Spain, and why I would qualify this year as the hardest one I’ve been through. 

My first Instagram post of 2023 was in March, marking my completion of the Moab half marathon. I was embarrassingly undertrained, and credit Lin Manuel Miranda for the ability to run the entire 13.1 miles. It was a great moment, and I was so proud to have crossed it off my bucket list. However, the context of that picture is that it was the first weekend I’d been able to take off of work in months.

At the start of the year I realized just how much money it would take to move my entire life to Spain, and began working at ArtMart, a souvenir shop in Boulder. I would work back to back twelve hour shifts on weekends, trying to hit at least thirty two hours a week in addition to being a full time student. Not only was I riddled with guilt over how neglected Cinder was, but all of my relationships suffered. My boyfriend was frustrated, my friends were frustrated, and I was pissed off and exhausted all of the time. I remember after a particularly long twelve hour day, calling my mom and breaking down on the phone. Not only was it not sustainable, but it was my final semester of college and I spent the majority of it stocking shelves with mugs and cashing out tourists. 

Let’s move on to June 27, and a series of pictures I captioned ‘Happy raft guide :)’ I was not in fact a happy raft guide. The reason I posted this was because I had thought it was a turning point in the summer. My first day back in Buena Vista, a careless driver totaled my car. If you know anything about raft guide culture, you know that we live out of cars. In addition to how incredibly scary and traumatic the accident was, I was completely screwed for the remainder of the summer. This was followed by two customer deaths within my company, a rare and very scary occurrence. I took a week off of work, and tried to recompose myself after the reminder that I literally had lives in my hands. I took a week off and stayed in Boulder with friends, trying to come up with alternatives to rafting. However, without a car, all of my earthly possessions were now trapped in Colorado, and I was in the process of applying for my visa, which I desperately needed to be in one place for. This post marked my return to Buena Vista, my fingers crossed the summer would improve. 

And finally, on October 15, I posted a series of beach pictures. This was an amazing trip. I had found my people, and traveled to Valencia, Spain with them. We had an incredible time, goofing off, playing volleyball, and soaking in the sun. The reason I loved this brief vacation was because it was a break from my own personal hell of the last month. It was my first thirty days in Spain, and we hadn’t been able to find housing.

My roommate was convinced she was going to have to move back to the states, and I would be stranded with no options. We had finally moved into our apartment, backing it up perfectly with our classes starting. I was still confident my students were going to drive me out of the country, and hated my school. Valencia was a break from the reality I found myself in that first month in Madrid. Thankfully, Valencia successfully marked the turning point for my time in Spain.

So much of the pain this year was external factors. A friend passed away, quickly followed by a family member. Cinder was pinned down by a German Shepherd and attacked. I visited the ER two days before I left for Spain, convinced I wouldn’t be able to get on the plane. I struggled more this year than I ever have, and I felt like I was the only one experiencing these awful moments. I don’t want anyone else to ever feel like they’re drowning in a sea of happy Instagram posts while their own life goes up in flames. 

I can’t wrap up 2023 without also highlighting the people that got me through it. In every single crisis, someone was holding me up. While I felt alone in terms of struggling, I was never without support. With two weeks left of the summer, I told a coworker that it was the worst period of my life. He confidently claimed that he would turn it around. And to an extent, he did. I told a girl I met forty eight hours previously that my grandma passed away, and she immediately hugged me and let me cry. She sat and let me talk for as long as I needed. I had volleyball teammates that overheard me say I thought I might spend the holidays alone, and they invited me into their homes. My roommate's family adopted me for Christmas, going as far as to buy me gifts. I’m genuinely not sure I would have made it through these last months without all of the people holding my hand, and I’m so incredibly grateful for each and every one of them. 

Cheers to this insanely difficult year closing, and to holding onto all of these amazing people in 2024.